One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
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Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
every college guy’s fridge
Friends that check up on you >
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.