I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
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I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
In space, no one can hear…
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
nice challenge
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”