A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
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My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.