5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
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I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
spot the difference
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Guantanamo Bae
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.