me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
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Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father