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Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Oh boy, $150,000!
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do