My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
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I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
technically true but not a great slogan
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?