[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
You Might Also Like
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.