Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
You Might Also Like
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Said the murderer.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Squirrels before girls.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”