Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
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Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel