A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
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One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this