waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
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So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.