Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
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Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
sin harder.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]