my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
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Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour