[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
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According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
I finally found a reason to live again.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants