He was looking for a job and then he found a job
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That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Never forget.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings