The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
You Might Also Like
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.