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[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
choose your fighter
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.