I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
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NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”