9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
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ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
For the ones in the back.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.