Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
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Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.