[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
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[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
From Facebook just now…
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.