me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
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John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies