My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
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[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
is nasa ok
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*