I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
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I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert