just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
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IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”