wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
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ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
We all have our pet causes.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.