my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
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8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation