Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
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Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.