On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
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2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
what day is it?
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working