Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
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you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.