my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
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clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.