guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
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“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land