Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
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Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
How actors in movies eat their food
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”