This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
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She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
this could fix me
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.