Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
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Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one