Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
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Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Stop being racist to kettles.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
first you must answer his riddles
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no