People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Weirdly Wednesday.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine