[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
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Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.