What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
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Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.