ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
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If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.