Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
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*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter: