My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
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hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Peace was never an option
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Livid.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.