*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
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*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
*jazz hands*
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.