[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
good work, detective
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
when nothing goes right… go left
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.