I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
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[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.