I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
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Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.