If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
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Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
🙋♀️
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much