Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
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Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
for all #parents out there
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.