I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
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[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.